Oh, my heart ...

During communion today, my heart swelled when I watched my sweet 6'2" son walk to the end of the row and serve communion to an elderly lady of our church. He held the tray for her while she took communion, then took it back to the usher. It was a proud moment for this mama.

What Really Matters

Days like today remind me of what really matters in life.

It's an especially happy day because it's the day of Eli's long-awaited birthday party and he woke up so excited!

I rose early to make a Wii remote cake for him. My talents are extremely limited, and I am a total amateur. But when Eli saw it he said, "It looks so great! Mommy, you are the best cake decorator ever." And that's all that matters.

I left for a bit to run some errands, including shipping Kyndal's Christmas gifts to her. I hope that she enjoys the things I got her. I wish I could be there to see her open them. But, I know that she will be doing what makes her happy on Christmas. So that, again, is all that matters.

We are about to complete the first semester of this year. I have been so overjoyed with how Dawson and Brynne have done homeschooling so far this year. I have seen such maturity and independence out of Dawson. He does his work and does it well. And he and I enjoy the time we get to spend together. He seems so happy and content. We have engaged in an enthralling study of American History, and learned so much about our country. Brynne just continues to amaze me with her abilities. She is so, so smart! I love to watch her learn. Dawson has recently said that he wouldn't want to go back to public school, even if he got the chance because he doesn't want our relationship to change. In this homeschooling thing, that truly is all that really matters. Strong and loving relationships make the hard word and sacrifice worth it. (Well, that and a good education, which they are both getting.)

Rick has a chance to go to the Fiesta Bowl in Arizona to watch the OSU Cowboys play. I wish I could go, but I can't leave the kids. He is worried about leaving me on New Year's Eve (yeah, right ... me who goes to bed at 9:30 p.m. that night every year.) But, to me, this is a historic time that he should go and absolutely enjoy! He is so excited! That's what really matters to me.

Christmas is here. Wonder and magic are in the air. The kids are frantically excited. We will have the opportunities to spend lots of time together over this Christmas break. We're going to go to the movies and go bowling, do Christmas crafts and bake. We're going to spend lots of time with friends. I am certain I'll have a house full of teenage boys, eating me out of house and home. I'll get to do some organizing and resting and reading, and I'll be getting some plans together for the next semester of school. We will all be doing exactly what we want. For us, hanging out at home is what makes us happy. And that is what matters the most.

I can feel a quickening in my spirit to get back in tune with the Lord. In the midst of all that has happened, good and bad, that truly is all that matters!

This holiday season, I choose to focus on those things that are good in my life. And there are so many. I will be praying for happy times for Kyndal and my extended family, as well.

Impulsiveness

The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still. ~ Exodus 14:14

Yeah, I haven't been too good at that.

I responded to fear and pain by being impulsive. Texting, e-mails, Facebook (although I am not on Facebook) make it all too easy to instantly respond to someone. Words don't come out right, they don't sound the same when read by the reader as you intended them, and even apologies can turn into more hurt.

I am not good at being still. I am a control freak. I need to fix things. I need to have the last word. I am feeling rejected and abandoned and, in turn, am rejecting and abandoning.

Several months ago I started a study, of sorts, reading the book Stepping Heavenward: One Womans Journey to Godliness by Mrs. E. Prentiss. With that book, suggested Psalms are assigned. That study fizzled out for me. But, I felt called to it again today. And, yes, I left off those months ago right where I needed to be TODAY! In the story, the girl is reprimanding herself for her impulsive words to a man who has broken his engagement to her. Those words were in the form of a handwritten letter (it was in the late 1800's.) But impulsive words were haunting her now. She even told herself she wouldn't say anything more negative about him, and then turned right around and did it again! (Reminds me of Paul talking about how he does what he doesn't want to do and doesn't do what he knows he should.)

I could certainly relate with her. I felt her pain. Then I applied the soothing salve of Psalms 33 and 34.

Damage has been done. I have to let God handle this for me now. I have to stop speaking. I stopped relying on God to guide me in the raising of my daughter. I tried to do it in my own wisdom and strength. She has acted like a spoiled and rebellious child, and I have responded out of fear, anger, and desperation. We have both said and done things that can't be taken back.

The last time I journaled was on September 23rd of this year. My question to God in my journal was, "Lord, how do you handle me as your child when I am disappointing you with my behavior and attitude?" I then listed 15 things God either does or do not do as my loving Father. As I look at that list today, I did the complete opposite on at least 10 of them ... I mean did the complete opposite! I ended the entry with, "Help me to parent Kyndal in the same way, Lord."

In order for me to let the Lord fight for me and for me to be still, I have to stop texting, e-mailing, blogging about this situation. I have to stop. A new day toward healing can never happen if words keep flying. That new day just keeps being put off until another day.


Only God can fix this. I have contributed toward a failed relationship in my own strength. I do not blame myself completely for this situation ... FAR FROM IT! But I do take responsibility for my part. I cannot make anyone else take responsibility for theirs. I need to be healed. I need to remember that I have three other children who need a loving and God-centered parent. I need to remember that I have a husband who needs his wife back. The first step for me is in getting back in right relationship with the Lord. I have been far from that for several years. Only God can get me back on track.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18

** Update: I love when God is finally able to get a hold of me about something. He tells it to me in various ways so that I know it's Him speaking. That last verse from Psalm 34 was repeated twice in the chapters Dawson and I were reading in Uncle Tom's Cabin this morning. Okay, God, I'm listening.

Friendship

I have to take a moment to thank those of you who have commented on my recent blog posts or e-mailed me direct, offering me your support, words of encouragement, advice, and prayers. Although I slip in and out of a dark place often, I have felt your loving arms around me. I want to thank you for your friendship. And, to me, it is true friendship. I've heard some words I have needed to hear, and not necessarily what I have wanted to hear at times.

A commenter, Q, who came over from another blog, had this verse posted on her blog. I grasped right onto it ... The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still. ~ Exodus 14:14.

I have felt like I am fighting a fight that I can't win. This is a fight I have been fighting for the past several years. I have felt panicked, as though I need to be doing something, anything, right now! In my fear and desperation, I have often made poor decisions that have only harmed my relationship with Kyndal even more.

If I was just dealing with a rebellious teenager who didn't want to follow rules, I would march right over to where she is staying and drag her behind back home. But, that's not what I am fighting. I am fighting a group of people who are more interested in spiting and hurting me than in doing what is truly best for Kyndal. What would have been truly best for Kyndal would have been for her mother to receive 100% support for her disciplining decisions, because each decision was done in the best interest of Kyndal and her future.

I have to try to remember that just as though I couldn't drag characteristics of her dad out of her over the past 10 years, my characteristics can't be dragged out of her either. I have taught her well, even if she hasn't believed it. The things she has been taught will go with her wherever she goes.

My love language is definitely Acts of Service. Doing things for others is how I show them that I love them. Not being able to do for Kyndal has been difficult. It makes me feel panicked, like I am not able to show her that I love her. Earlier this week she was sick. She went to Urgent Care by herself. She did text me for help and I walked/talked her through it. And I dropped off a bag of over-the-counter medicines, some tomato soup, and macaroni and cheese (her favorites). And that was all I could do for her. It was hard, but it is our new reality. The only difference is that she will soon be five hours away. I will have to be creative in how I serve her. It will take me changing the way I love her. I do have an idea of one way we can start to rebuild our relationship at a long distance. I hope it's something that she likes.

See ...

The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still.
I am going to have to say that to myself about a million times a day. Being still is not one of my strong suits.

Well, this started out being a post thanking you for your friendship. And I want to end it that way. Keep your encouragement coming, and especially your prayers.

I am off to try to come up with a new Christmas tradition for our family so that we can do like my friend Cheryl at "Say What?" said, that we can look back on this Christmas and say "remember when we started ..." instead of remembering the sad part.

Disappointment

Disappointment is an ugly thing, especially two weeks before Christmas ... disappointment in people, disappointment in circumstances, disappointment in my own actions and attitudes. Yuck.

And then I look at the faces of these kids and feel so ashamed for letting it ruin their Christmas. I hear Dawson say how excited he is for Christmas and I wonder "why?"

Dawson has a t-shirt that says, "Who are you calling Grinch?" Well, that would be me, and Rick. I think I should have been born a bear. I just feel like hibernating ... waking up when days are sunnier and brighter. (And I'm not talking about the weather.)

So, what do I do? How do I get out of this funk? It seems to get worse and worse despite my intentions for it to get better and better. I do not want my children to look back on their childhoods and have sad or indifferent feelings about the Christmas season.

I'm just going through the motions this year. I want to not just act happy, but to be happy! I need some help. Does anybody have any suggestions? Please.

Nicole's Daybook

Outside my window... Are bare trees, cloudy skies.

I am thinking... about our future.

I am thankful ... for the possibility of a move and total change of scenery!

I am wearing... my winter wardrobe: A long-sleeved t-shirt, a zip-up hoodie, jeans and tennis shoes.

I am planning...  Eli's birthday party that is on Saturday. It's going to be a pretty easy party, but I just need to do what I can to make it special because he has waited through all the kids' birthdays and he is so ready for his!
 

I am creating... Downsized and decluttered closets and cabinets. Starting in one room and working my way through.

I am going... to be praying and hoping.

I am reading...  Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe (Dawson's read-a-loud), The Christmas Wedding by James Patterson. AND I AM ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DELIVERY OF THE NEW LADYBUG FARM CHRISTMAS NOVELLA! If you haven't read that series by Donna Ball, do so! I love it and I had no idea she was writing a Christmas novella. It was such a great surprise.

I am hoping... that Chloe, our dog's, knee cap and ligaments heal and that she is able to use her leg again. She dislocated her knee and isn't able to put any weight on her leg. She is on an anti-inflammatory and the hope is that her ligaments around her knee with shrink back like they are supposed to so her patella can be popped back into place and hopefully will stay.

From the learning rooms... Three things this week, other than the basics: Slavery, Photosynthesis and Cell Respiration, Christmas.

Noticing that ...  all I need is a good family tragedy to help me lose weight.

From the kitchen... Using what we have.

Around the house... will soon be a realtor and boxes.

One of my favorite things... is the idea of a simple country life.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Tonight we are meeting with a realtor to list our house. The rest of the week is kind of quiet, until Saturday. Eli's birthday party is Saturday and Rick's company Christmas party is that evening. On Sunday, we will hopefully make it to church and I want to get some grading caught up.

From my picture journal.

My sweet girl at her Homeschool Christmas program last night. She did SO GREAT! We were so proud of her!

Lots of women Daybook. See what they have to say at The Simple Woman's Daybook.

Menu Plan Monday

This weekend was spent packing Kyndal's room up for her, swimming through an unrelenting stream of emotions, and actively seeking some positive future changes. (Lord knows we need some. And there was some progress! I am praying I will have something specific to tell soon.) Dawson had his two best friends over on Saturday night, so I actually did do some cooking. The boys wanted homemade chicken friend steak. I had never made it before, so was very pleased with the results. Talk about comfort food!!

Last Friday I went on my usual two-week grocery trip. But with all that was going on, I just bought what I thought we needed to get through the weekend. I peeked in my freezer this morning and inventoried my meats and leftover frozen meals. I am hoping not to have to go back to the store this week.

Here's what we are having.

Monday ~ Turkey and noodles, last of the Thanksgiving leftovers

Tuesday ~ Baked salisbury steak, homemade mac and cheese, asparagus

Wednesday ~ Fend for Yourself and Wine Wednesday

Thursday ~ Homemade McDonald's McRibs and fries

Friday ~ Potato soup and grilled cheese

Saturday ~ Pizza for the kids, Rick and I have his company Christmas party

Sunday ~ Chicken and bows

The Prodigal Daughter

I type this with tears.

How does a mother voluntarily agree for her child, and I mean a child, to make her own decision to leave the only home she has ever known because she doesn't like the discipline and responsibility of her life. I am struggling with this on so many levels that I don't even know what to say.

I keep thinking of The Parable of the Lost Son. I know the father had to be feeling exactly the same way I am feeling right now. And he voluntarily let his son go.

The Parable of the Lost Son ~ Luke 15

11Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

13“Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

17“When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.’ 20So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21“The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.b’

22“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

25“Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

28“The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

31“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

We know nothing about the father between the time the son left and when the son came back. His father gave him his inheritance/his blessing and the son left. When the son came back because his decision to leave had been a poor one, the father had compassion for him and ran to meet him, accepting him back into his home.

But don't tell me the father wasn't sad during that time. Don't tell me the father didn't feel incredible loss. Don't tell me the father didn't feel as though he had been a failure. Don't tell me the father didn't lose endless nights of sleep worrying about his son. Don't tell me the father wasn't appalled at how selfish his already-spoiled son was being. Don't tell me the father was not cursing the world that had inticed his son away from him. Don't tell me the father could fully enjoy family get-togethers and celebrations knowing that one of his sons was missing.

I have a vision of all of the family photos I take. I take pictures of everything we do!! If we're baking cookies, I take a picture. If we go to the zoo, I take a picture. If we're having a birthday party, I take a picture. And I take lots and lots and lots of pictures of all four kids together. And Kyndal will be missing from those photos now. While we are doing these things, she'll be missing. A part of me will be missing.

While his child was out living it up, the father was suffering. Don't tell me he wasn't.

But, he let him go. Even though I know it must have killed him!

And, guess what? Things didn't turn out so good for the son. And "when he came to his senses", he went back to the one place where he knew he was loved. His home. With his father. And his father accepted him back with open arms. He ran to greet him.

I'm going to be completely transparent here. In that same situation, could I do the same thing? Or would the sadness and bitterness and anger literally have taken me down? I don't know yet. These are the things of which I am struggling. The father showed the ultimate in forgiveness and mercy. He had the complete forgiveness and mercy from God Himself (because, this is a parable demonstrating the depth of God's love for his children). But, I'm not God. I'm human. I am flawed. I am hurt. If things don't work out for her, will I be able to so lovingly welcome her back in the fold? I pray that I could have the heart to do that.

But right now .. I am in anguish. And right now .. I have to let her go, because leaving is what she has chosen.

** This was actually a post I wrote on December 4, 2009. This is how long this struggle has been going on. Funny, nothing has changed in her, the "world", or me.

Tough Times

Well, the Taulmans are going through some tough Times right now.

Kyndal has moved out. She is moving to Missouri with her dad in two weeks.

It was a long time coming, really, but doesn't make it any easier. It's hard for me because over the past three years she has been fed a bunch of lies by people who don't know anything about me or our family. She has been made promises that I do not believe can be fulfilled. She has gladly walked out the door and left behind her two brothers and sister. She has been manipulated all in the name of spite. I am worried for her.

But there is nothing I can do about any of it. And I don't intend to try.

All I can do now is try my best to maintain a relationship with my daughter as she moves five hours away. It won't be easy and I know that there are hard times ahead, for all of us.

I would appreciate your prayers.

I need to stop writing now so that I do not say some very ugly things that I will (or maybe not, really) regret later. Just suffice it to say, evil is at play here.

Santa, I Want ....

Yesterday the kids and I went to Tulsa to hear the Tulsa Festival Ringers perform a bell concert. They played a free concert of Christmas music that was so pretty. You can read about that by heading over to Journey to Excellence.

After having lunch at Spaghetti Warehouse, we took our annual trip to Bass Pro Shop to see Santa. This year we went during the day, during the week, and we were the only ones there. It was awesome! Eli told Santa he wants a Nintendo 3DS, Mario 3D Land, and a new sled. Brynne gave Santa a letter that told him that she wants a Nintendo 3DS and the game, Kirby Mass Attack.

Then the kids shot guns and raced cars and rode the glass elevator up and down to look at the waterfalls and fish.

These kids have been pretty nice this year, so I suspect they'll be getting all they want.