Looking Back at 2011

Yep, I've gotta chime in on the Looking Back blog posts. The year 2011 certainly had it's ups and downs, like most years do. I thought it would do my spirit some good to look back on it.

January

This past January gave Oklahoma record snow totals! We were snowed in for over two weeks and we couldn't have been happier! Along with that came some sickness, too, but we just hunkered down for a long winter's rest ... and lots of sledding!

February

Kyndal had her winter formal and she looked so chic! We took some fun pictures. I had the opportunity to write my first college level business law course, and it was so fun! Rick and Dawson took a fun trip out to Reno, Nevada, to visit Rick's family and do some skiing.

March

We took our first of many vacations to my parents' house in Pensacola, Florida. It was a wonderful vacation. Kyndal started her first job at Sonic, got her driver's license, and got accepted to Vo-Tech Cosmetology school.

April

Brynne and I got our garden planted. Eli had a part in his class musical, "The Caterpillar's Voice", as the caterpillar. Kyndal got her first car. Spring sprung and Brynne and I started getting into some nature studies.

May

Tornadoes blew through Oklahoma giving us a couple of scares and causing death and havoc in nearby towns. Brynne and I got inspired to recycle. Rick and I went to watch a professional golf tournament called The Patriot Cup. I spoke at my childhood church's Mother Daughter Banquet. I enjoyed a perfect Mother's Day. We finished our first year of homeschooling!

June

We moved my grandma into a nursing home. We spent a rare family day going to the Blue Bell Ice Cream Factory. We started attending a new church. Rick and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary and Rick celebrated his 41st birthday. Dawson went to Missouri to work with papa and help my parents move.

July

Rick and I took an anniversary trip back to Springfield, Missouri, where we met. Oklahoma hit another weather record, this time with record heat temps! It was a miserable summer! My sister, niece, Kyndal and I went to the Backstreet Boys/New Kids on the Block concert! My parents sold their big house in the country and moved to a small house on Main Street in Small Town, Missouri.

August

I turned ** gulp ** 40. We started school again, including a second year of homeschooling Dawson and Brynne. Kyndal started cosmetology school. Eli lost his two front teeth. Brynne turned 6 and celebrated with a skating party. Rick left his company and moved into another industry.

September

Rick and I went to the OSU game in Tulsa and a monsoon came in that caused the stadium to be evacuated before the game even started. We made a trip to my parents' for the kids to see their new house. Eli and Brynne started their Boys and Girls Clubs. Dawson started weekly guitar lessons.

October

We had a fun Halloween with Captain America and a ladybug. Dawson celebrated his 15th birthday! We found and took care of a stray dog for a few days until her owner called. We went to the zoo with Eli's class. Eli walked 20 laps at his Walk-a-thon. We went to the State Fair. We made a trip to the pumpkin patch.

November

I went on a new annual trip to Canton, Texas, with my mom and aunt. Rick went back to his old company, but to a different department. I finally lost some weight I have been wanting to lose. Kyndal turned 17. Rick spent Thanksgiving with his family in Nevada. The little kids and I had the quietest Thanksgiving in history. We went on a field trip to see life-size replicas of the Nina and Pinta.

December

We hosted our first annual Homeschool Co-op Ugly Sweater Christmas party for the parents. We went to hear the Tulsa Bell Ringers and visit Santa Claus. Kyndal moved out and then moved to Missouri to live with her dad. We celebrated a warm and quiet Christmas. Eli celebrated his 8th birthday with a Wii birthday party. Brynne sang at her Homeschool Co-op's Christmas program. Rick started on his solo trip to Arizona to watch the OSU Cowboys play in the Fiesta Bowl.

Looking back I realize it was a big year for Kyndal. The rest of us seemed to be trying to find our place and eventually cycling back to where we began. I guess this means we are where we are meant to be for now.

So, this year, we will do our best to take one day at a time and enjoy our place in life, wherever that may be. We are blessed and we should appreciate and enjoy it.

I pray that you have a 2012 full of contentment.

God Bless.

My New Year

Yesterday I referred to my New Years Resolution. It's pretty vague, but in my heart I know what it means:

I am taking my life back.

I'm taking my life back in the ways that I know are right and true. My priorities are, and will be shown as being:

1. God
2. Rick
3. My children
4. My home
5. Myself
6. Others

I will no longer live in fear. I will not live in fear of rejection or of disappointing others. I will go at my priorities with full gusto, despite what anyone else thinks.

I plan to build relationships with the friends I spoke of yesterday. They will become a regular part of my life. I realize that I need friendship and support and love from those who are walking a similar path as myself. As much as I love my web friends, and you are so dear to me, I have found that occasionally I need a physical hug.

People and situations are no longer going to get me down. I have done much better on this front this past year, but there is still room for improvement. God has work to do in each of us, and I will try to remember that each time I feel hurt or angered by someone. Their "thing(s)" might just be showing, and it's God's job to bring it to their attention and try to fix it, not mine. I will just concentrate on reacting the way God would want me to in the midst of my own "thing(s)".

So how's all of that for a resolution that can't be measured? I'll know, over time, if I have succeeded. It will likely be displayed in the people around me.

Do you have a New Years Resolution?

Rebuilding

Yesterday I had the immense pleasure of going to have coffee with a wonderful friend. Several years ago she and I, and another one of our friends, got together once a week to scrapbook and share lunch. It was something I always looked forward to. Our families did lots of things together. Her husband and mine got along great. Our daughters were very good friends.

On a weekend back-to-school shopping trip. Love those ponchos!

Then I had Eli and then Brynne. Our scrapbook days dwindled. Other friendships started to take priority. And, we drifted apart. Over the past five or so years, we have seen each other occasionally. Her and her husband have come over a couple of times. She and I have gone to lunch.

But I ran into her at Walmart the other day and we just talked and talked. Our lives are still on the same paths and we have so much in common. Finally her husband came up and said, "Okay, ladies, wrap it up." We said we'd have coffee. But, we've said that before and then run into each other six months later and realized that we hadn't.

So this time, I immediately set it up so time wouldn't get away from us.

Oh, what a special time we had. We had coffee and talked for over two hours. I think we could have gone on for several more. I left feeling so refreshed and energized. A friendship has not made me feel that way in a long, long time.

We have now made plans to start getting together for one or two Tuesdays a month for lunch and a Bible study. For the first time in years, I am so looking forward to just spending time with a friend. I've been hurt and betrayed by friends in the past couple of years, and I have pretty much secluded myself from them. But not anymore. That time just felt too good and I realize that I need it more than I thought I did.

We talked about how we want to have better friendships, but I shared that I don't want new friends. What I realized is that I have good friends. I just don't nurture them. During this difficult time with Kyndal moving to her dad's, I have had a few specific friends reach out to me. I realized that these ladies are my true friends, and I am going to work on rebuilding and strengthening my friendships with them.

One of the things we talked about yesterday were our New Years Resolutions. I don't typically make any beyond the 'get organized, eat better, get in shape' type of resolutions. But this year I actually have one, and it's ..............

.......... you'll have to check back tomorrow to find out.

Best Friends

 

Dawson has two very best friends. One of them lives in Tulsa (he moved there a couple of years ago) and the other lives a couple of blocks away from us. He would rather spend time with these two boys than with anyone else in the world, except for his dog. During school breaks, it's common for both of these boys to show up at the beginning with backpacks full of clothes and their Xbox consoles and remotes and not leave for a week. They take over the upstairs and all they require is to be fed. When I know they are coming, I stock Dawson's dorm fridge with soda and buy boy foods. They are so sweet to our little two kiddos and help to take care of the dogs. They are very polite to me and do whatever I ask. I imagine it is rare to find a group of boys who have been raised to be so respectful. I actually enjoy it when they come to visit. When Kyndal moved out we turned her room into their "nerd cave". The futon couch in the cave is for one of the boys and we have another large futon mattress in the attached oversized closet for another one of them. They literally move in.

Dawson works hard at school and is a great kid who does whatever he is asked. So, allowing him these times with his friends is very important to me. I see these three being best friends for their entire lives.

Nicole's Daybook

Outside my window... It's a pretty, sunny December day.

I am thinking... about that game "Telephone" we played as kids where you whisper something in someone's ear and it goes around the circle and the last person tells what they think they heard. Remember that game? The last person is almost always telling a version of the sentence that is way off from what was started. That's how I feel about a certain thing in my life. A version of the story that is believed at the end of the circle is not the true version. But I know the true version because I was where it originated.

I am thankful ... for hope.

I am wearing... my pj's and robe while I sit in bed drinking coffee and doing my Daybook. Man, every day should be like this!

I am planning...  oh, Hallelujah, NO PLANNING! We have just wrapped up the last of our end-of-the-year craziness! In four months we have had all four kids' birthdays, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and all its celebrations, and a big move. Now, you can hear the crickets chirp. Ahhhhhhhh ........
 

I am creating... a completed list of organization, and I am ahead of schedule. I am so glad I decided to start the extreme de-cluttering extravaganza before Christmas this year!

I am going... to spend some time with friends this week, which is a rarity for me! Today Brynne and I are going on a play date with some great friends. Tonight Rick and I are going out to meet up with a bunch of his friends from high school. And tomorrow I am having coffee with an old friend, who I miss so much, and hope to begin rebuilding our friendship.

I am reading...  Enchanted April by Elizabeth von Arnim (notice no school read-a-longs?)

I am hoping... for a happy 2012!

From the learning rooms... We are on break until January 4th. I, however, am learning how to take my life back, and it feels good.

Noticing that ... I have been an absent wife.

From the kitchen... It's going to be mostly teenage boy style foods and pantry purging over the next week. Rick is going to be gone for about 5 days and I am gaining two teenage boys. The microwave will be on overdrive.

Around the house... all of the Christmas decorations are down and it is back to normal.

One of my favorite things... is hearing and seeing happiness in my kids.

A few plans for the rest of the week... More organizing, more playing, more reading, more relaxing.

From my picture journal.

Eli and Brynne modeling the latest in Christmas Break dresswear. 

Lots of women Daybook. See what they have to say at The Simple Woman's Daybook.

S.I.M.P.L.E.

A simple Christmas.

A simple Christmas break.

A simple ringing of the New Year to come.

No muss. No fuss. And I feel so at peace!!

The hustle and bustle of the holidays can make even the strongest woman fall to her knees. There is all of the preparation, expectation, and then usually desperation when things don't go as planned. If there's no real plan, there's no reason to get upset. As long as your little family is happy, isn't that all that matters? The rush and hush makes everybody miserable in the long run.

And mom spends so much of her time and energy trying to make the holiday special for her family. But where is mom in it all? Mom should be happy, too. Because, if Mom is happy then everyone else is happy. And we all know that is right and true.

Even last year when I SET OUT for us to have a simple old-fashioned Christmas, it was two-weeks of work to make it happen. Not so simple in the long run.

Have you stopped recently to ask your family what they really want for Christmas (or for their birthdays, New Year's celebration, etc.)?? We all know the scenario ... WE have in our minds what WE think Christmas (or insert other holiday here) should LOOK like. We stress all day (or sometimes for several days) to make it HAPPEN, while in the meantime everybody is miserable because mom is freaking because nobody is cooperating and things aren't working out to the PERFECTION in her mind.

Not this year. I've looked at my family. I've paid attention to their true wants and desires. And I have done my best to deliver the Christmas THEY want instead. (And guess what?? It was a WHOLE LOT LESS WORK than I would have done under my vision!) Really, my family just wants to be home, enjoying each other and their new stuff.

On Christmas Eve I asked Rick if we should get out our Christmas china or our Mexican Fiesta-ware (since we were having Mexican with his sister's family) for our dinner. He said, "Neither." He wanted to keep it simple. Who were we trying to impress anyway? So, we just used our regular dinner plates. That kept us from having to locate the special dinnerware, wash it, use it, wash it again, and then repack it to put it away. No tablescape. No hoopla. Just dinner. And good dinner, too.

On Christmas Day? You read about that yesterday. Nothing but jammies, playing, and eating whatever we felt like. Nobody wanted to get up at o'dark:thirty to open presents when we could do it at 9 a.m. Nobody wanted the big fancy dinner. Nobody wanted a Christmas production. They just wanted to have fun and relax. Delivered. And mom was SO MUCH LESS STRESSED!! So, everybody was less stressed. I even let Dawson spend the night at his best friend's house ... GADS!!! ... on Christmas!  He was happy. So I was happy.

No, we didn't travel to see family. There are sacrifices that have to be made to carry out the simple plan sometimes. Ricks family, with the exception of his sister, all live in Reno, Nevada, so seeing them for a holiday is not possible unless we want to travel a loooooong way on Christmas. And we don't. And now my family has a house in Pensacola, Florida, where they are for Christmas. To see them we would have had to travel a loooooong way in the other direction, and we would have been on the road at about 4 a.m. this morning. So, we decided not to go. There were several times yesterday that I was thankful I wasn't spending my Christmas Day getting us prepared for a week-long trip. Talk about miserable mommy and miserable family. I do hate it that we don't have BIG FAMILY traditional get-togethers anymore. But to have the SIMPLE holidays, those are sacrifices we have to make. I am a homebody, true, but I have learned that so are my kids.

I have spent way too many holidays, vacations, even ordinary days, trying to get my family to live up to an expectation I have set in my mind. I think I'm starting to really GET IT now. I have read my family and realized that it's not about me and what I want. Yeah, I still got EVERYTHING I wanted! But I didn't have to work to get it. I got the love of my family. I got the tears from the kids when they opened gifts that they had wanted really, really, bad. I got the loving phone calls. I got comfy clothes, blankets and good books. I got a good day and a happy family.

Simple joy for all.

Feliz Navidad

Each year for Christmas Eve, Rick's sister and her family come over for dinner and fun. We have had this tradition for the 10 years we have lived in Oklahoma. Julie brings her famous enchiladas and I make tacos and guacamole. She usually makes a tasty dessert. We eat lots of Mexican food, have lots of laughs, and then sit down to watch Christmas Vacation. The kids open gifts and we call it an early night. (Rick and I always have to stay up after they leave and do all of our gift wrapping for the kids that takes us a couple of hours.)

We always look forward to spending time with Milton, Julie, Tommy and Angela.

Tech the Halls ~ Christmas 2011

Well, it's 7:00 p.m. and Brynne and I are laying in my bed with the doggies.

Rick is sacked out on the couch. Dawson just ran out to go to his best friend's house who lives two streets away. Eli is in his room. We are tired from a day of doing absolutely nothing. Brynne is currently playing with her new Nintendo 3DS, making Miis of all her family members. Eli is watching America's Funniest Home Videos on Netflix on his new Nintendo 3DS. My new iPad is re-charging from being played with so much. Dawson's Xbox 360 is smoking from all it's usage! We just might have to get a bigger modem to support all of the new Christmas technology.

Yes, our Christmas was a techy one. We kind of went big this year. I read about lots of families who were scaling way back, some who were doing the three gifts to symbolize the number of gifts Jesus received from the wisemen. We did the opposite, really, and I am not ashamed of that. For many, many, many years we have done Christmas the lean way. We don't buy a lot for the kids throughout the year. They have to wait until their birthdays, which are all right before Christmas, to get bigger ticket items. Our kids have been exceptionally good this year. They have done excellent in school. They have grown in leaps and bounds in treating each other with kindness. We wanted them to have a great Christmas. Really, they each only asked for two or three things. But I knew many things they wanted that they didn't ask for. They aren't greedy kids. They deserved to be rewarded with fun.

They slept in until 9:00 this morning. We were planning to go to church at 10:00, but didn't make it. Instead, we stayed in our pajamas all day! I made cinnamon rolls and biscuits and gravy and we opened gifts. Here are pics of the haul ...

A saucer gaming chair (that he's sitting in, and a futon couch not in the pic), Totes slippers, a sterling silver guitar pick necklace, a box of clothes from American Eagle, Hollister, and Pac Sun, an Xbox 360 one-year Live contract, a light saber, a Hurley shirt from grandma, and two video game posters from Eli and Brynne. (From Kyndal he got some guitar pics and a Capo). In his stocking was a Hurley leather wallet, Hurley socks, underwear, and candy.

A Nintendo 3DS, light saber, Mad Season 1 DVD, Mario 3DLand game for DS, Fossil Fighters DS game from Dawson, Mario and Sonic at the 2012 London Olympic Games game for Wii, a new sled, a board game and gun from Brynne, Bop It! XT from grandma, new pjs from Kyndal, and in his stocking was new slippers, a Finn McMissile car, a Sonic Boom character for his Skylanders game, underwear, a stocking cap, and candy.

A Nintendo 3DS, Kirby Mass Attack DS game, Barbie and the 12 Dancing Princesses dvd, Barbie and the Princess Charm School dvd with Blair and Delancey Barbies, Just Dance 3 for Wii, a pink lap tray with marker tower, new colored pencils and crayons (not pictured), Jenga from grandma, three Barbie puzzles and a coloring book from Eli, and Barbie clothes from Dawson. Kyndal got her new Hello Kitty pj bottoms. And in her stocking was a Hello Kitty DS game, puppy stocking cap, underwear, more Barbie clothes, and candy.

Daddy got an RCA internet streaming device (like a ROKU), a rechargeable flashlight (because he can never find one with batteries), a brushed oil bronze hand towel rack for dishrags (because he cleans the kitchen at night and hates not having anywhere to hang the dishrag), a golf book, some pj bottoms, a Dr. Pepper t-shirt, some new undies and some jalapeno stuffed green olives. Oh, and he's taking a 5-day vacation by himself in a couple of days to go to the Fiesta Bowl game in Arizona.

Mama was happy! She got all of her favorite things: new pjs and slippers from Dawson, a cozy green plush blanket from Brynne, an electric candle warmer (like Scentsy) from Eli, a personalized "T" button picture made by Eli, some thermal pants and top from my mom with a book, and from my sweet hubby a new iPad 2 and $50 gift card so I can get accessories for it!!!

We all also got money from my mom and dad, and the kids got GameStop giftcards from my sister.

Kyndal wasn't here, but we got her new Ugg boots, a wand curler, a pink blow dryer, a pink personal back heating pad, an Ed Hardy belt, a smokey eyes makeup kit, undies in her stocking (a tradition), a crocheted headband, and new gloves. We also got her a plane ticket to fly to Pensacola to visit my family for the last half of her break.

For lunch we had candy and more breakfast.

I had planned to make an elegant dinner of filet mignon, potatoes, green bean casserole, rolls, and pumpkin pie. Rick and I decided to just eat leftovers from Christmas Eve and Eli and Brynne had macaroni and cheese.

What were the favorite gifts? Mine, of course, was my iPad. That was Rick's favorite gift, too. He'll be playing with it often, I know. Dawson loved his new blue light saber. He's had it in his hands almost all day. Eli's favorite gifts were his Nintendo 3DS and a $1 gun Brynne got him at the Dollar Tree. Brynne's favorite gifts were her Nintendo 3DS and her new puppy stocking cap. She also spent lots of time playing with her Barbies.

To me, this was just the best day ever. I think everyone in my little family agreed. We'll be enjoying it all year, too.

Joy

I know I have already posted something today, but I just felt like I had some happy things to share (for a change!) In the midst of difficult times, there have been those who have lifted my spirits ... other moms I have run into and took the time to talk to, my husband, and my kids.

My kids. It's hard for me not to feel joyful when being around them. Yesterday was Eli's birthday. He wanted to play video games all day, go spend some of his birthday money on extra characters for his new Skylanders game, and then go eat Cici's pizza. We did all that and had such a nice family night.

We had so much fun at Cici's. We laughed so hard. Dawson started spitting wadded up straw packaging at Eli and Brynne with his straw and it was hilarious! They were cracking up because he would get them when they least expected it. At one point Dawson said, "Man, I love these kids." Then he carried Brynne around everywhere we went because it was cold. He just loved on her and hugged her. We did some shopping for each other, and the giving spirits and excitement of all the kids just made me smile. And at Cici's, when the kids played a game that won them candy as prizes, Brynne said, "I only got one Tootsie Roll (which is her favorite candy), but I'm going to give it to Eli." There were many more instances like this throughout the night, just lots of putting someone else first. When I have been feeling so low about my parenting skills, times like this show me that I must be doing something right.

We talked Eli into going bowling. Again, we just had a blast! Eli couldn't believe that a girl beat him (Brynne). Daddy couldn't believe that one beat him, too (me!).

Kyndal was missed. It's sad to hear the things that Brynne and Eli mention about her. Like last night, when Brynne picked up a split when bowling, she immediately said, "I'm going to tell Kyndal about this." And then at home she was worried that Kyndal wouldn't fit in her bed when she came to visit because Brynne's new Barbie house is at the foot of the bed.

I guess I say all of this to say that: seeing the considerate hearts of my children causes me so much joy! They just love each other so much. They are always thinking of each other. I don't know what they would do without each other. They are experiencing this with the loss of Kyndal, although she's always been a go-er so not home much. But Dawson, Eli, and Brynne spend the majority of their time together and they are so extremely close. This Christmas season has been hard so far. But, after last night, I woke up with a joyful spirit this morning. It's going to be such a great Christmas!

What's on your bookshelf?

I am finishing up The Christmas Wedding by James Patterson, and then will be moving on to The Enchanted April by Elizabeth Von Arnim (gotta get it read quick because there is a hold list at our library for this one and I have been waiting for it for a loooooong time).

The other books on my shelf (night stand) are Christmas on Ladybug Farm by Donna Ball (oh, I can't wait!), Comfort & Joy by Kristin Hannah (my favorite author), Love your Life by Victoria Osteen (need a little of that right now), and Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery (a classic that I have never read). I plan to do lots of reading over Christmas break.

How about you? Got any books you can recommend that just soothe your soul?

8 is great!

Today, my sweet little man turns 8 years old. He has really been wanting to turn 8 so that he'll "be smarter".

When it's your birthday in our house, you get to spend it however you want. Eli woke up around 9:00 a.m. and laid in the chair watching a couple of Mad episodes (his favorite show).

Daddy popped in from work with donuts for breakfast and to watch him open his gifts.

He got the much-anticipated Skylanders video game for the Xbox 360, and another pack of characters. His plan is to spend the entire day playing video games.

I offered for our family to go bowling this afternoon, because he loves to bowl, but he said he only wants to go to dinner at Cici's Pizza, and that's it. (He's like his mama ... he likes to keep things simple, and usually at home.)

To him, this will be the greatest day ever: Spending time at home, with his family, doing his favorite things! Life just doesn't get much better than this!

Happy Birthday, Eli! We love you so very, very much!

Wii Thought Eli's Birthday Party was a Smash!

This year for Eli's birthday, he wanted to invite over three of his friends for a Wii Super Smash Brothers Brawl party! And that's exactly what we did!

Eli wanted his cake to be in the shape of a Wii remote, so mom did her best to deliver.

The three boys went together and bought Eli Kirby's Return to Dreamland for Wii as his gift. So, they played both games, had snacks and cake, and spent some time outside playing with Nerf guns and light sabers.

We also had fun snacks like Super Smashmallows, Nun Chex Mix, and Gummy Wiirms.

He had a great time!

Nicole's Daybook

Outside my window... The temperatures are mild, but it's dreary and FOGGY!

I am thinking... about how tired I am of depressing times. It's time for some happiness around here!

I am thankful ... that in the past couple of days, we have had the opportunity to spend some time with Kyndal so that we all feel a little more positive about her moving.

I am wearing... OSU t-shirt, black yoga pants, tennis shoes.

I am planning...  our Christmas break of rest.
 

I am creating... No actual creating going on. But, I am trying to figure out how to make our upstairs look a little nicer now that Kyndal has moved out of her room and Dawson has made it into a "nerd cave" (his words). He has taken furniture from other rooms and, really, it just looks unorganized and trashed. I want it to at least look like a fashionable teenage boy's apartment.

I am going... to deliver Kyndal's bed and the last of her boxes to her friend's house so that her dad can pick it all up this afternoon.

I am reading...  Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe (Dawson's read-a-loud) ... we are on the last day, The Christmas Wedding by James Patterson. And I can't wait to start reading my new Ladybug Farm Christmas novella. I am saving it for Christmas break.

I am hoping... that Kyndal transitions into her new life well, and that we do the same.

From the learning rooms... Who cares? Christmas break starts tomorrow! We need a break so bad.

Noticing that ...  I am just so weary. I need jammies, a comfortable blanket, a good book, and some mindless t.v. for about 10 days straight!

From the kitchen... I've got ham and cheesy potatoes in the crockpot.

Around the house... will not be a realtor and boxes. But hopefully there will be some downsizing, closet organization, and readjusting.

One of my favorite things... is still the idea of a simple country life. Maybe someday ... For now, it's a simple-as-possible suburbian life. There is no perfect situation, so contentment must be sought.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Beyond today, our calendar does not have one thing on it! This afternoon Brynne has her Girls Club Christmas Tea and Eli has his Boys Club Christmas party. Kyndal is moving to Missouri this afternoon. Christmas break officially starts tomorrow. Rick's sister and her family will come over for Christmas Eve. But, other than that, we have no plans. Eli's birthday is Thursday and I told him our whole family could go bowling to celebrate. But, knowing him, he'll just want to stay home.

From my picture journal.

Rick and I before his company Christmas party. (Is it just me, or do I look really old?) It was a nice evening, with excellent food and conversation with an older couple at our table.

Lots of women Daybook. See what they have to say at The Simple Woman's Daybook.

A Small Glimpse

Last night Kyndal and I received a small glimpse into what our relationship will be like from now on. I picked her up, we grabbed some Starbucks, talked, and then went to Target so that she could get Christmas gifts for Dawson, Eli and Brynne.

We did talk about things that have happened over the past few weeks. We made peace about some things. We talked about both of our fears for the future. But, mostly, we just spent time hanging out. Although tears fell, there were even more smiles.

For the first time in her life, I got to experience the relationship with her that her dad has had the pleasure of having with her all these years. Raising children, especially teenagers, on a day-to-day business is riddled with stress and anxiety. It is such an enormous responsibility that permeates through every second of your relationship with them. It's hard to just relax and have fun. And it's hard to put it into words, but when you are hanging out with your child knowing that your decisions are no longer the ones that are making the day-to-day difference, a weight is lifted and you can enjoy your child in a way that you've never experienced. All of a sudden you can just focus on your relationship instead of all that junk that constantly hangs on your ever move.

Kyndal and I have always had a contentious relationship. Although there will be challenges, I think we both know deep down that we will enjoy our mother-daughter relationship so much more without all of the stress.

I ask for continued prayers for Kyndal as she transitions into her new life. Moving to a new school, to a new town, into a completely new family dynamic will have it's challenges.

Oh, my heart ...

During communion today, my heart swelled when I watched my sweet 6'2" son walk to the end of the row and serve communion to an elderly lady of our church. He held the tray for her while she took communion, then took it back to the usher. It was a proud moment for this mama.

What Really Matters

Days like today remind me of what really matters in life.

It's an especially happy day because it's the day of Eli's long-awaited birthday party and he woke up so excited!

I rose early to make a Wii remote cake for him. My talents are extremely limited, and I am a total amateur. But when Eli saw it he said, "It looks so great! Mommy, you are the best cake decorator ever." And that's all that matters.

I left for a bit to run some errands, including shipping Kyndal's Christmas gifts to her. I hope that she enjoys the things I got her. I wish I could be there to see her open them. But, I know that she will be doing what makes her happy on Christmas. So that, again, is all that matters.

We are about to complete the first semester of this year. I have been so overjoyed with how Dawson and Brynne have done homeschooling so far this year. I have seen such maturity and independence out of Dawson. He does his work and does it well. And he and I enjoy the time we get to spend together. He seems so happy and content. We have engaged in an enthralling study of American History, and learned so much about our country. Brynne just continues to amaze me with her abilities. She is so, so smart! I love to watch her learn. Dawson has recently said that he wouldn't want to go back to public school, even if he got the chance because he doesn't want our relationship to change. In this homeschooling thing, that truly is all that really matters. Strong and loving relationships make the hard word and sacrifice worth it. (Well, that and a good education, which they are both getting.)

Rick has a chance to go to the Fiesta Bowl in Arizona to watch the OSU Cowboys play. I wish I could go, but I can't leave the kids. He is worried about leaving me on New Year's Eve (yeah, right ... me who goes to bed at 9:30 p.m. that night every year.) But, to me, this is a historic time that he should go and absolutely enjoy! He is so excited! That's what really matters to me.

Christmas is here. Wonder and magic are in the air. The kids are frantically excited. We will have the opportunities to spend lots of time together over this Christmas break. We're going to go to the movies and go bowling, do Christmas crafts and bake. We're going to spend lots of time with friends. I am certain I'll have a house full of teenage boys, eating me out of house and home. I'll get to do some organizing and resting and reading, and I'll be getting some plans together for the next semester of school. We will all be doing exactly what we want. For us, hanging out at home is what makes us happy. And that is what matters the most.

I can feel a quickening in my spirit to get back in tune with the Lord. In the midst of all that has happened, good and bad, that truly is all that matters!

This holiday season, I choose to focus on those things that are good in my life. And there are so many. I will be praying for happy times for Kyndal and my extended family, as well.

Impulsiveness

The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still. ~ Exodus 14:14

Yeah, I haven't been too good at that.

I responded to fear and pain by being impulsive. Texting, e-mails, Facebook (although I am not on Facebook) make it all too easy to instantly respond to someone. Words don't come out right, they don't sound the same when read by the reader as you intended them, and even apologies can turn into more hurt.

I am not good at being still. I am a control freak. I need to fix things. I need to have the last word. I am feeling rejected and abandoned and, in turn, am rejecting and abandoning.

Several months ago I started a study, of sorts, reading the book Stepping Heavenward: One Womans Journey to Godliness by Mrs. E. Prentiss. With that book, suggested Psalms are assigned. That study fizzled out for me. But, I felt called to it again today. And, yes, I left off those months ago right where I needed to be TODAY! In the story, the girl is reprimanding herself for her impulsive words to a man who has broken his engagement to her. Those words were in the form of a handwritten letter (it was in the late 1800's.) But impulsive words were haunting her now. She even told herself she wouldn't say anything more negative about him, and then turned right around and did it again! (Reminds me of Paul talking about how he does what he doesn't want to do and doesn't do what he knows he should.)

I could certainly relate with her. I felt her pain. Then I applied the soothing salve of Psalms 33 and 34.

Damage has been done. I have to let God handle this for me now. I have to stop speaking. I stopped relying on God to guide me in the raising of my daughter. I tried to do it in my own wisdom and strength. She has acted like a spoiled and rebellious child, and I have responded out of fear, anger, and desperation. We have both said and done things that can't be taken back.

The last time I journaled was on September 23rd of this year. My question to God in my journal was, "Lord, how do you handle me as your child when I am disappointing you with my behavior and attitude?" I then listed 15 things God either does or do not do as my loving Father. As I look at that list today, I did the complete opposite on at least 10 of them ... I mean did the complete opposite! I ended the entry with, "Help me to parent Kyndal in the same way, Lord."

In order for me to let the Lord fight for me and for me to be still, I have to stop texting, e-mailing, blogging about this situation. I have to stop. A new day toward healing can never happen if words keep flying. That new day just keeps being put off until another day.


Only God can fix this. I have contributed toward a failed relationship in my own strength. I do not blame myself completely for this situation ... FAR FROM IT! But I do take responsibility for my part. I cannot make anyone else take responsibility for theirs. I need to be healed. I need to remember that I have three other children who need a loving and God-centered parent. I need to remember that I have a husband who needs his wife back. The first step for me is in getting back in right relationship with the Lord. I have been far from that for several years. Only God can get me back on track.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18

** Update: I love when God is finally able to get a hold of me about something. He tells it to me in various ways so that I know it's Him speaking. That last verse from Psalm 34 was repeated twice in the chapters Dawson and I were reading in Uncle Tom's Cabin this morning. Okay, God, I'm listening.

Friendship

I have to take a moment to thank those of you who have commented on my recent blog posts or e-mailed me direct, offering me your support, words of encouragement, advice, and prayers. Although I slip in and out of a dark place often, I have felt your loving arms around me. I want to thank you for your friendship. And, to me, it is true friendship. I've heard some words I have needed to hear, and not necessarily what I have wanted to hear at times.

A commenter, Q, who came over from another blog, had this verse posted on her blog. I grasped right onto it ... The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still. ~ Exodus 14:14.

I have felt like I am fighting a fight that I can't win. This is a fight I have been fighting for the past several years. I have felt panicked, as though I need to be doing something, anything, right now! In my fear and desperation, I have often made poor decisions that have only harmed my relationship with Kyndal even more.

If I was just dealing with a rebellious teenager who didn't want to follow rules, I would march right over to where she is staying and drag her behind back home. But, that's not what I am fighting. I am fighting a group of people who are more interested in spiting and hurting me than in doing what is truly best for Kyndal. What would have been truly best for Kyndal would have been for her mother to receive 100% support for her disciplining decisions, because each decision was done in the best interest of Kyndal and her future.

I have to try to remember that just as though I couldn't drag characteristics of her dad out of her over the past 10 years, my characteristics can't be dragged out of her either. I have taught her well, even if she hasn't believed it. The things she has been taught will go with her wherever she goes.

My love language is definitely Acts of Service. Doing things for others is how I show them that I love them. Not being able to do for Kyndal has been difficult. It makes me feel panicked, like I am not able to show her that I love her. Earlier this week she was sick. She went to Urgent Care by herself. She did text me for help and I walked/talked her through it. And I dropped off a bag of over-the-counter medicines, some tomato soup, and macaroni and cheese (her favorites). And that was all I could do for her. It was hard, but it is our new reality. The only difference is that she will soon be five hours away. I will have to be creative in how I serve her. It will take me changing the way I love her. I do have an idea of one way we can start to rebuild our relationship at a long distance. I hope it's something that she likes.

See ...

The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still.
I am going to have to say that to myself about a million times a day. Being still is not one of my strong suits.

Well, this started out being a post thanking you for your friendship. And I want to end it that way. Keep your encouragement coming, and especially your prayers.

I am off to try to come up with a new Christmas tradition for our family so that we can do like my friend Cheryl at "Say What?" said, that we can look back on this Christmas and say "remember when we started ..." instead of remembering the sad part.

Disappointment

Disappointment is an ugly thing, especially two weeks before Christmas ... disappointment in people, disappointment in circumstances, disappointment in my own actions and attitudes. Yuck.

And then I look at the faces of these kids and feel so ashamed for letting it ruin their Christmas. I hear Dawson say how excited he is for Christmas and I wonder "why?"

Dawson has a t-shirt that says, "Who are you calling Grinch?" Well, that would be me, and Rick. I think I should have been born a bear. I just feel like hibernating ... waking up when days are sunnier and brighter. (And I'm not talking about the weather.)

So, what do I do? How do I get out of this funk? It seems to get worse and worse despite my intentions for it to get better and better. I do not want my children to look back on their childhoods and have sad or indifferent feelings about the Christmas season.

I'm just going through the motions this year. I want to not just act happy, but to be happy! I need some help. Does anybody have any suggestions? Please.

Nicole's Daybook

Outside my window... Are bare trees, cloudy skies.

I am thinking... about our future.

I am thankful ... for the possibility of a move and total change of scenery!

I am wearing... my winter wardrobe: A long-sleeved t-shirt, a zip-up hoodie, jeans and tennis shoes.

I am planning...  Eli's birthday party that is on Saturday. It's going to be a pretty easy party, but I just need to do what I can to make it special because he has waited through all the kids' birthdays and he is so ready for his!
 

I am creating... Downsized and decluttered closets and cabinets. Starting in one room and working my way through.

I am going... to be praying and hoping.

I am reading...  Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe (Dawson's read-a-loud), The Christmas Wedding by James Patterson. AND I AM ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DELIVERY OF THE NEW LADYBUG FARM CHRISTMAS NOVELLA! If you haven't read that series by Donna Ball, do so! I love it and I had no idea she was writing a Christmas novella. It was such a great surprise.

I am hoping... that Chloe, our dog's, knee cap and ligaments heal and that she is able to use her leg again. She dislocated her knee and isn't able to put any weight on her leg. She is on an anti-inflammatory and the hope is that her ligaments around her knee with shrink back like they are supposed to so her patella can be popped back into place and hopefully will stay.

From the learning rooms... Three things this week, other than the basics: Slavery, Photosynthesis and Cell Respiration, Christmas.

Noticing that ...  all I need is a good family tragedy to help me lose weight.

From the kitchen... Using what we have.

Around the house... will soon be a realtor and boxes.

One of my favorite things... is the idea of a simple country life.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Tonight we are meeting with a realtor to list our house. The rest of the week is kind of quiet, until Saturday. Eli's birthday party is Saturday and Rick's company Christmas party is that evening. On Sunday, we will hopefully make it to church and I want to get some grading caught up.

From my picture journal.

My sweet girl at her Homeschool Christmas program last night. She did SO GREAT! We were so proud of her!

Lots of women Daybook. See what they have to say at The Simple Woman's Daybook.

Menu Plan Monday

This weekend was spent packing Kyndal's room up for her, swimming through an unrelenting stream of emotions, and actively seeking some positive future changes. (Lord knows we need some. And there was some progress! I am praying I will have something specific to tell soon.) Dawson had his two best friends over on Saturday night, so I actually did do some cooking. The boys wanted homemade chicken friend steak. I had never made it before, so was very pleased with the results. Talk about comfort food!!

Last Friday I went on my usual two-week grocery trip. But with all that was going on, I just bought what I thought we needed to get through the weekend. I peeked in my freezer this morning and inventoried my meats and leftover frozen meals. I am hoping not to have to go back to the store this week.

Here's what we are having.

Monday ~ Turkey and noodles, last of the Thanksgiving leftovers

Tuesday ~ Baked salisbury steak, homemade mac and cheese, asparagus

Wednesday ~ Fend for Yourself and Wine Wednesday

Thursday ~ Homemade McDonald's McRibs and fries

Friday ~ Potato soup and grilled cheese

Saturday ~ Pizza for the kids, Rick and I have his company Christmas party

Sunday ~ Chicken and bows

The Prodigal Daughter

I type this with tears.

How does a mother voluntarily agree for her child, and I mean a child, to make her own decision to leave the only home she has ever known because she doesn't like the discipline and responsibility of her life. I am struggling with this on so many levels that I don't even know what to say.

I keep thinking of The Parable of the Lost Son. I know the father had to be feeling exactly the same way I am feeling right now. And he voluntarily let his son go.

The Parable of the Lost Son ~ Luke 15

11Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

13“Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

17“When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.’ 20So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21“The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.b’

22“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

25“Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

28“The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

31“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

We know nothing about the father between the time the son left and when the son came back. His father gave him his inheritance/his blessing and the son left. When the son came back because his decision to leave had been a poor one, the father had compassion for him and ran to meet him, accepting him back into his home.

But don't tell me the father wasn't sad during that time. Don't tell me the father didn't feel incredible loss. Don't tell me the father didn't feel as though he had been a failure. Don't tell me the father didn't lose endless nights of sleep worrying about his son. Don't tell me the father wasn't appalled at how selfish his already-spoiled son was being. Don't tell me the father was not cursing the world that had inticed his son away from him. Don't tell me the father could fully enjoy family get-togethers and celebrations knowing that one of his sons was missing.

I have a vision of all of the family photos I take. I take pictures of everything we do!! If we're baking cookies, I take a picture. If we go to the zoo, I take a picture. If we're having a birthday party, I take a picture. And I take lots and lots and lots of pictures of all four kids together. And Kyndal will be missing from those photos now. While we are doing these things, she'll be missing. A part of me will be missing.

While his child was out living it up, the father was suffering. Don't tell me he wasn't.

But, he let him go. Even though I know it must have killed him!

And, guess what? Things didn't turn out so good for the son. And "when he came to his senses", he went back to the one place where he knew he was loved. His home. With his father. And his father accepted him back with open arms. He ran to greet him.

I'm going to be completely transparent here. In that same situation, could I do the same thing? Or would the sadness and bitterness and anger literally have taken me down? I don't know yet. These are the things of which I am struggling. The father showed the ultimate in forgiveness and mercy. He had the complete forgiveness and mercy from God Himself (because, this is a parable demonstrating the depth of God's love for his children). But, I'm not God. I'm human. I am flawed. I am hurt. If things don't work out for her, will I be able to so lovingly welcome her back in the fold? I pray that I could have the heart to do that.

But right now .. I am in anguish. And right now .. I have to let her go, because leaving is what she has chosen.

** This was actually a post I wrote on December 4, 2009. This is how long this struggle has been going on. Funny, nothing has changed in her, the "world", or me.

Tough Times

Well, the Taulmans are going through some tough Times right now.

Kyndal has moved out. She is moving to Missouri with her dad in two weeks.

It was a long time coming, really, but doesn't make it any easier. It's hard for me because over the past three years she has been fed a bunch of lies by people who don't know anything about me or our family. She has been made promises that I do not believe can be fulfilled. She has gladly walked out the door and left behind her two brothers and sister. She has been manipulated all in the name of spite. I am worried for her.

But there is nothing I can do about any of it. And I don't intend to try.

All I can do now is try my best to maintain a relationship with my daughter as she moves five hours away. It won't be easy and I know that there are hard times ahead, for all of us.

I would appreciate your prayers.

I need to stop writing now so that I do not say some very ugly things that I will (or maybe not, really) regret later. Just suffice it to say, evil is at play here.

Santa, I Want ....

Yesterday the kids and I went to Tulsa to hear the Tulsa Festival Ringers perform a bell concert. They played a free concert of Christmas music that was so pretty. You can read about that by heading over to Journey to Excellence.

After having lunch at Spaghetti Warehouse, we took our annual trip to Bass Pro Shop to see Santa. This year we went during the day, during the week, and we were the only ones there. It was awesome! Eli told Santa he wants a Nintendo 3DS, Mario 3D Land, and a new sled. Brynne gave Santa a letter that told him that she wants a Nintendo 3DS and the game, Kirby Mass Attack.

Then the kids shot guns and raced cars and rode the glass elevator up and down to look at the waterfalls and fish.

These kids have been pretty nice this year, so I suspect they'll be getting all they want.