Impulsiveness

The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still. ~ Exodus 14:14

Yeah, I haven't been too good at that.

I responded to fear and pain by being impulsive. Texting, e-mails, Facebook (although I am not on Facebook) make it all too easy to instantly respond to someone. Words don't come out right, they don't sound the same when read by the reader as you intended them, and even apologies can turn into more hurt.

I am not good at being still. I am a control freak. I need to fix things. I need to have the last word. I am feeling rejected and abandoned and, in turn, am rejecting and abandoning.

Several months ago I started a study, of sorts, reading the book Stepping Heavenward: One Womans Journey to Godliness by Mrs. E. Prentiss. With that book, suggested Psalms are assigned. That study fizzled out for me. But, I felt called to it again today. And, yes, I left off those months ago right where I needed to be TODAY! In the story, the girl is reprimanding herself for her impulsive words to a man who has broken his engagement to her. Those words were in the form of a handwritten letter (it was in the late 1800's.) But impulsive words were haunting her now. She even told herself she wouldn't say anything more negative about him, and then turned right around and did it again! (Reminds me of Paul talking about how he does what he doesn't want to do and doesn't do what he knows he should.)

I could certainly relate with her. I felt her pain. Then I applied the soothing salve of Psalms 33 and 34.

Damage has been done. I have to let God handle this for me now. I have to stop speaking. I stopped relying on God to guide me in the raising of my daughter. I tried to do it in my own wisdom and strength. She has acted like a spoiled and rebellious child, and I have responded out of fear, anger, and desperation. We have both said and done things that can't be taken back.

The last time I journaled was on September 23rd of this year. My question to God in my journal was, "Lord, how do you handle me as your child when I am disappointing you with my behavior and attitude?" I then listed 15 things God either does or do not do as my loving Father. As I look at that list today, I did the complete opposite on at least 10 of them ... I mean did the complete opposite! I ended the entry with, "Help me to parent Kyndal in the same way, Lord."

In order for me to let the Lord fight for me and for me to be still, I have to stop texting, e-mailing, blogging about this situation. I have to stop. A new day toward healing can never happen if words keep flying. That new day just keeps being put off until another day.


Only God can fix this. I have contributed toward a failed relationship in my own strength. I do not blame myself completely for this situation ... FAR FROM IT! But I do take responsibility for my part. I cannot make anyone else take responsibility for theirs. I need to be healed. I need to remember that I have three other children who need a loving and God-centered parent. I need to remember that I have a husband who needs his wife back. The first step for me is in getting back in right relationship with the Lord. I have been far from that for several years. Only God can get me back on track.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18

** Update: I love when God is finally able to get a hold of me about something. He tells it to me in various ways so that I know it's Him speaking. That last verse from Psalm 34 was repeated twice in the chapters Dawson and I were reading in Uncle Tom's Cabin this morning. Okay, God, I'm listening.