Joy

I know I have already posted something today, but I just felt like I had some happy things to share (for a change!) In the midst of difficult times, there have been those who have lifted my spirits ... other moms I have run into and took the time to talk to, my husband, and my kids.

My kids. It's hard for me not to feel joyful when being around them. Yesterday was Eli's birthday. He wanted to play video games all day, go spend some of his birthday money on extra characters for his new Skylanders game, and then go eat Cici's pizza. We did all that and had such a nice family night.

We had so much fun at Cici's. We laughed so hard. Dawson started spitting wadded up straw packaging at Eli and Brynne with his straw and it was hilarious! They were cracking up because he would get them when they least expected it. At one point Dawson said, "Man, I love these kids." Then he carried Brynne around everywhere we went because it was cold. He just loved on her and hugged her. We did some shopping for each other, and the giving spirits and excitement of all the kids just made me smile. And at Cici's, when the kids played a game that won them candy as prizes, Brynne said, "I only got one Tootsie Roll (which is her favorite candy), but I'm going to give it to Eli." There were many more instances like this throughout the night, just lots of putting someone else first. When I have been feeling so low about my parenting skills, times like this show me that I must be doing something right.

We talked Eli into going bowling. Again, we just had a blast! Eli couldn't believe that a girl beat him (Brynne). Daddy couldn't believe that one beat him, too (me!).

Kyndal was missed. It's sad to hear the things that Brynne and Eli mention about her. Like last night, when Brynne picked up a split when bowling, she immediately said, "I'm going to tell Kyndal about this." And then at home she was worried that Kyndal wouldn't fit in her bed when she came to visit because Brynne's new Barbie house is at the foot of the bed.

I guess I say all of this to say that: seeing the considerate hearts of my children causes me so much joy! They just love each other so much. They are always thinking of each other. I don't know what they would do without each other. They are experiencing this with the loss of Kyndal, although she's always been a go-er so not home much. But Dawson, Eli, and Brynne spend the majority of their time together and they are so extremely close. This Christmas season has been hard so far. But, after last night, I woke up with a joyful spirit this morning. It's going to be such a great Christmas!

What's on your bookshelf?

I am finishing up The Christmas Wedding by James Patterson, and then will be moving on to The Enchanted April by Elizabeth Von Arnim (gotta get it read quick because there is a hold list at our library for this one and I have been waiting for it for a loooooong time).

The other books on my shelf (night stand) are Christmas on Ladybug Farm by Donna Ball (oh, I can't wait!), Comfort & Joy by Kristin Hannah (my favorite author), Love your Life by Victoria Osteen (need a little of that right now), and Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery (a classic that I have never read). I plan to do lots of reading over Christmas break.

How about you? Got any books you can recommend that just soothe your soul?

8 is great!

Today, my sweet little man turns 8 years old. He has really been wanting to turn 8 so that he'll "be smarter".

When it's your birthday in our house, you get to spend it however you want. Eli woke up around 9:00 a.m. and laid in the chair watching a couple of Mad episodes (his favorite show).

Daddy popped in from work with donuts for breakfast and to watch him open his gifts.

He got the much-anticipated Skylanders video game for the Xbox 360, and another pack of characters. His plan is to spend the entire day playing video games.

I offered for our family to go bowling this afternoon, because he loves to bowl, but he said he only wants to go to dinner at Cici's Pizza, and that's it. (He's like his mama ... he likes to keep things simple, and usually at home.)

To him, this will be the greatest day ever: Spending time at home, with his family, doing his favorite things! Life just doesn't get much better than this!

Happy Birthday, Eli! We love you so very, very much!

Wii Thought Eli's Birthday Party was a Smash!

This year for Eli's birthday, he wanted to invite over three of his friends for a Wii Super Smash Brothers Brawl party! And that's exactly what we did!

Eli wanted his cake to be in the shape of a Wii remote, so mom did her best to deliver.

The three boys went together and bought Eli Kirby's Return to Dreamland for Wii as his gift. So, they played both games, had snacks and cake, and spent some time outside playing with Nerf guns and light sabers.

We also had fun snacks like Super Smashmallows, Nun Chex Mix, and Gummy Wiirms.

He had a great time!

Nicole's Daybook

Outside my window... The temperatures are mild, but it's dreary and FOGGY!

I am thinking... about how tired I am of depressing times. It's time for some happiness around here!

I am thankful ... that in the past couple of days, we have had the opportunity to spend some time with Kyndal so that we all feel a little more positive about her moving.

I am wearing... OSU t-shirt, black yoga pants, tennis shoes.

I am planning...  our Christmas break of rest.
 

I am creating... No actual creating going on. But, I am trying to figure out how to make our upstairs look a little nicer now that Kyndal has moved out of her room and Dawson has made it into a "nerd cave" (his words). He has taken furniture from other rooms and, really, it just looks unorganized and trashed. I want it to at least look like a fashionable teenage boy's apartment.

I am going... to deliver Kyndal's bed and the last of her boxes to her friend's house so that her dad can pick it all up this afternoon.

I am reading...  Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe (Dawson's read-a-loud) ... we are on the last day, The Christmas Wedding by James Patterson. And I can't wait to start reading my new Ladybug Farm Christmas novella. I am saving it for Christmas break.

I am hoping... that Kyndal transitions into her new life well, and that we do the same.

From the learning rooms... Who cares? Christmas break starts tomorrow! We need a break so bad.

Noticing that ...  I am just so weary. I need jammies, a comfortable blanket, a good book, and some mindless t.v. for about 10 days straight!

From the kitchen... I've got ham and cheesy potatoes in the crockpot.

Around the house... will not be a realtor and boxes. But hopefully there will be some downsizing, closet organization, and readjusting.

One of my favorite things... is still the idea of a simple country life. Maybe someday ... For now, it's a simple-as-possible suburbian life. There is no perfect situation, so contentment must be sought.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Beyond today, our calendar does not have one thing on it! This afternoon Brynne has her Girls Club Christmas Tea and Eli has his Boys Club Christmas party. Kyndal is moving to Missouri this afternoon. Christmas break officially starts tomorrow. Rick's sister and her family will come over for Christmas Eve. But, other than that, we have no plans. Eli's birthday is Thursday and I told him our whole family could go bowling to celebrate. But, knowing him, he'll just want to stay home.

From my picture journal.

Rick and I before his company Christmas party. (Is it just me, or do I look really old?) It was a nice evening, with excellent food and conversation with an older couple at our table.

Lots of women Daybook. See what they have to say at The Simple Woman's Daybook.

A Small Glimpse

Last night Kyndal and I received a small glimpse into what our relationship will be like from now on. I picked her up, we grabbed some Starbucks, talked, and then went to Target so that she could get Christmas gifts for Dawson, Eli and Brynne.

We did talk about things that have happened over the past few weeks. We made peace about some things. We talked about both of our fears for the future. But, mostly, we just spent time hanging out. Although tears fell, there were even more smiles.

For the first time in her life, I got to experience the relationship with her that her dad has had the pleasure of having with her all these years. Raising children, especially teenagers, on a day-to-day business is riddled with stress and anxiety. It is such an enormous responsibility that permeates through every second of your relationship with them. It's hard to just relax and have fun. And it's hard to put it into words, but when you are hanging out with your child knowing that your decisions are no longer the ones that are making the day-to-day difference, a weight is lifted and you can enjoy your child in a way that you've never experienced. All of a sudden you can just focus on your relationship instead of all that junk that constantly hangs on your ever move.

Kyndal and I have always had a contentious relationship. Although there will be challenges, I think we both know deep down that we will enjoy our mother-daughter relationship so much more without all of the stress.

I ask for continued prayers for Kyndal as she transitions into her new life. Moving to a new school, to a new town, into a completely new family dynamic will have it's challenges.

Oh, my heart ...

During communion today, my heart swelled when I watched my sweet 6'2" son walk to the end of the row and serve communion to an elderly lady of our church. He held the tray for her while she took communion, then took it back to the usher. It was a proud moment for this mama.

What Really Matters

Days like today remind me of what really matters in life.

It's an especially happy day because it's the day of Eli's long-awaited birthday party and he woke up so excited!

I rose early to make a Wii remote cake for him. My talents are extremely limited, and I am a total amateur. But when Eli saw it he said, "It looks so great! Mommy, you are the best cake decorator ever." And that's all that matters.

I left for a bit to run some errands, including shipping Kyndal's Christmas gifts to her. I hope that she enjoys the things I got her. I wish I could be there to see her open them. But, I know that she will be doing what makes her happy on Christmas. So that, again, is all that matters.

We are about to complete the first semester of this year. I have been so overjoyed with how Dawson and Brynne have done homeschooling so far this year. I have seen such maturity and independence out of Dawson. He does his work and does it well. And he and I enjoy the time we get to spend together. He seems so happy and content. We have engaged in an enthralling study of American History, and learned so much about our country. Brynne just continues to amaze me with her abilities. She is so, so smart! I love to watch her learn. Dawson has recently said that he wouldn't want to go back to public school, even if he got the chance because he doesn't want our relationship to change. In this homeschooling thing, that truly is all that really matters. Strong and loving relationships make the hard word and sacrifice worth it. (Well, that and a good education, which they are both getting.)

Rick has a chance to go to the Fiesta Bowl in Arizona to watch the OSU Cowboys play. I wish I could go, but I can't leave the kids. He is worried about leaving me on New Year's Eve (yeah, right ... me who goes to bed at 9:30 p.m. that night every year.) But, to me, this is a historic time that he should go and absolutely enjoy! He is so excited! That's what really matters to me.

Christmas is here. Wonder and magic are in the air. The kids are frantically excited. We will have the opportunities to spend lots of time together over this Christmas break. We're going to go to the movies and go bowling, do Christmas crafts and bake. We're going to spend lots of time with friends. I am certain I'll have a house full of teenage boys, eating me out of house and home. I'll get to do some organizing and resting and reading, and I'll be getting some plans together for the next semester of school. We will all be doing exactly what we want. For us, hanging out at home is what makes us happy. And that is what matters the most.

I can feel a quickening in my spirit to get back in tune with the Lord. In the midst of all that has happened, good and bad, that truly is all that matters!

This holiday season, I choose to focus on those things that are good in my life. And there are so many. I will be praying for happy times for Kyndal and my extended family, as well.

Impulsiveness

The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still. ~ Exodus 14:14

Yeah, I haven't been too good at that.

I responded to fear and pain by being impulsive. Texting, e-mails, Facebook (although I am not on Facebook) make it all too easy to instantly respond to someone. Words don't come out right, they don't sound the same when read by the reader as you intended them, and even apologies can turn into more hurt.

I am not good at being still. I am a control freak. I need to fix things. I need to have the last word. I am feeling rejected and abandoned and, in turn, am rejecting and abandoning.

Several months ago I started a study, of sorts, reading the book Stepping Heavenward: One Womans Journey to Godliness by Mrs. E. Prentiss. With that book, suggested Psalms are assigned. That study fizzled out for me. But, I felt called to it again today. And, yes, I left off those months ago right where I needed to be TODAY! In the story, the girl is reprimanding herself for her impulsive words to a man who has broken his engagement to her. Those words were in the form of a handwritten letter (it was in the late 1800's.) But impulsive words were haunting her now. She even told herself she wouldn't say anything more negative about him, and then turned right around and did it again! (Reminds me of Paul talking about how he does what he doesn't want to do and doesn't do what he knows he should.)

I could certainly relate with her. I felt her pain. Then I applied the soothing salve of Psalms 33 and 34.

Damage has been done. I have to let God handle this for me now. I have to stop speaking. I stopped relying on God to guide me in the raising of my daughter. I tried to do it in my own wisdom and strength. She has acted like a spoiled and rebellious child, and I have responded out of fear, anger, and desperation. We have both said and done things that can't be taken back.

The last time I journaled was on September 23rd of this year. My question to God in my journal was, "Lord, how do you handle me as your child when I am disappointing you with my behavior and attitude?" I then listed 15 things God either does or do not do as my loving Father. As I look at that list today, I did the complete opposite on at least 10 of them ... I mean did the complete opposite! I ended the entry with, "Help me to parent Kyndal in the same way, Lord."

In order for me to let the Lord fight for me and for me to be still, I have to stop texting, e-mailing, blogging about this situation. I have to stop. A new day toward healing can never happen if words keep flying. That new day just keeps being put off until another day.


Only God can fix this. I have contributed toward a failed relationship in my own strength. I do not blame myself completely for this situation ... FAR FROM IT! But I do take responsibility for my part. I cannot make anyone else take responsibility for theirs. I need to be healed. I need to remember that I have three other children who need a loving and God-centered parent. I need to remember that I have a husband who needs his wife back. The first step for me is in getting back in right relationship with the Lord. I have been far from that for several years. Only God can get me back on track.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18

** Update: I love when God is finally able to get a hold of me about something. He tells it to me in various ways so that I know it's Him speaking. That last verse from Psalm 34 was repeated twice in the chapters Dawson and I were reading in Uncle Tom's Cabin this morning. Okay, God, I'm listening.

Friendship

I have to take a moment to thank those of you who have commented on my recent blog posts or e-mailed me direct, offering me your support, words of encouragement, advice, and prayers. Although I slip in and out of a dark place often, I have felt your loving arms around me. I want to thank you for your friendship. And, to me, it is true friendship. I've heard some words I have needed to hear, and not necessarily what I have wanted to hear at times.

A commenter, Q, who came over from another blog, had this verse posted on her blog. I grasped right onto it ... The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still. ~ Exodus 14:14.

I have felt like I am fighting a fight that I can't win. This is a fight I have been fighting for the past several years. I have felt panicked, as though I need to be doing something, anything, right now! In my fear and desperation, I have often made poor decisions that have only harmed my relationship with Kyndal even more.

If I was just dealing with a rebellious teenager who didn't want to follow rules, I would march right over to where she is staying and drag her behind back home. But, that's not what I am fighting. I am fighting a group of people who are more interested in spiting and hurting me than in doing what is truly best for Kyndal. What would have been truly best for Kyndal would have been for her mother to receive 100% support for her disciplining decisions, because each decision was done in the best interest of Kyndal and her future.

I have to try to remember that just as though I couldn't drag characteristics of her dad out of her over the past 10 years, my characteristics can't be dragged out of her either. I have taught her well, even if she hasn't believed it. The things she has been taught will go with her wherever she goes.

My love language is definitely Acts of Service. Doing things for others is how I show them that I love them. Not being able to do for Kyndal has been difficult. It makes me feel panicked, like I am not able to show her that I love her. Earlier this week she was sick. She went to Urgent Care by herself. She did text me for help and I walked/talked her through it. And I dropped off a bag of over-the-counter medicines, some tomato soup, and macaroni and cheese (her favorites). And that was all I could do for her. It was hard, but it is our new reality. The only difference is that she will soon be five hours away. I will have to be creative in how I serve her. It will take me changing the way I love her. I do have an idea of one way we can start to rebuild our relationship at a long distance. I hope it's something that she likes.

See ...

The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still.
I am going to have to say that to myself about a million times a day. Being still is not one of my strong suits.

Well, this started out being a post thanking you for your friendship. And I want to end it that way. Keep your encouragement coming, and especially your prayers.

I am off to try to come up with a new Christmas tradition for our family so that we can do like my friend Cheryl at "Say What?" said, that we can look back on this Christmas and say "remember when we started ..." instead of remembering the sad part.