Disappointment

Disappointment is an ugly thing, especially two weeks before Christmas ... disappointment in people, disappointment in circumstances, disappointment in my own actions and attitudes. Yuck.

And then I look at the faces of these kids and feel so ashamed for letting it ruin their Christmas. I hear Dawson say how excited he is for Christmas and I wonder "why?"

Dawson has a t-shirt that says, "Who are you calling Grinch?" Well, that would be me, and Rick. I think I should have been born a bear. I just feel like hibernating ... waking up when days are sunnier and brighter. (And I'm not talking about the weather.)

So, what do I do? How do I get out of this funk? It seems to get worse and worse despite my intentions for it to get better and better. I do not want my children to look back on their childhoods and have sad or indifferent feelings about the Christmas season.

I'm just going through the motions this year. I want to not just act happy, but to be happy! I need some help. Does anybody have any suggestions? Please.

Nicole's Daybook

Outside my window... Are bare trees, cloudy skies.

I am thinking... about our future.

I am thankful ... for the possibility of a move and total change of scenery!

I am wearing... my winter wardrobe: A long-sleeved t-shirt, a zip-up hoodie, jeans and tennis shoes.

I am planning...  Eli's birthday party that is on Saturday. It's going to be a pretty easy party, but I just need to do what I can to make it special because he has waited through all the kids' birthdays and he is so ready for his!
 

I am creating... Downsized and decluttered closets and cabinets. Starting in one room and working my way through.

I am going... to be praying and hoping.

I am reading...  Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe (Dawson's read-a-loud), The Christmas Wedding by James Patterson. AND I AM ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DELIVERY OF THE NEW LADYBUG FARM CHRISTMAS NOVELLA! If you haven't read that series by Donna Ball, do so! I love it and I had no idea she was writing a Christmas novella. It was such a great surprise.

I am hoping... that Chloe, our dog's, knee cap and ligaments heal and that she is able to use her leg again. She dislocated her knee and isn't able to put any weight on her leg. She is on an anti-inflammatory and the hope is that her ligaments around her knee with shrink back like they are supposed to so her patella can be popped back into place and hopefully will stay.

From the learning rooms... Three things this week, other than the basics: Slavery, Photosynthesis and Cell Respiration, Christmas.

Noticing that ...  all I need is a good family tragedy to help me lose weight.

From the kitchen... Using what we have.

Around the house... will soon be a realtor and boxes.

One of my favorite things... is the idea of a simple country life.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Tonight we are meeting with a realtor to list our house. The rest of the week is kind of quiet, until Saturday. Eli's birthday party is Saturday and Rick's company Christmas party is that evening. On Sunday, we will hopefully make it to church and I want to get some grading caught up.

From my picture journal.

My sweet girl at her Homeschool Christmas program last night. She did SO GREAT! We were so proud of her!

Lots of women Daybook. See what they have to say at The Simple Woman's Daybook.

Menu Plan Monday

This weekend was spent packing Kyndal's room up for her, swimming through an unrelenting stream of emotions, and actively seeking some positive future changes. (Lord knows we need some. And there was some progress! I am praying I will have something specific to tell soon.) Dawson had his two best friends over on Saturday night, so I actually did do some cooking. The boys wanted homemade chicken friend steak. I had never made it before, so was very pleased with the results. Talk about comfort food!!

Last Friday I went on my usual two-week grocery trip. But with all that was going on, I just bought what I thought we needed to get through the weekend. I peeked in my freezer this morning and inventoried my meats and leftover frozen meals. I am hoping not to have to go back to the store this week.

Here's what we are having.

Monday ~ Turkey and noodles, last of the Thanksgiving leftovers

Tuesday ~ Baked salisbury steak, homemade mac and cheese, asparagus

Wednesday ~ Fend for Yourself and Wine Wednesday

Thursday ~ Homemade McDonald's McRibs and fries

Friday ~ Potato soup and grilled cheese

Saturday ~ Pizza for the kids, Rick and I have his company Christmas party

Sunday ~ Chicken and bows

The Prodigal Daughter

I type this with tears.

How does a mother voluntarily agree for her child, and I mean a child, to make her own decision to leave the only home she has ever known because she doesn't like the discipline and responsibility of her life. I am struggling with this on so many levels that I don't even know what to say.

I keep thinking of The Parable of the Lost Son. I know the father had to be feeling exactly the same way I am feeling right now. And he voluntarily let his son go.

The Parable of the Lost Son ~ Luke 15

11Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

13“Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

17“When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.’ 20So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21“The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.b’

22“But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

25“Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27‘Your brother has come,’ he replied, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.’

28“The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29But he answered his father, ‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’

31“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”

We know nothing about the father between the time the son left and when the son came back. His father gave him his inheritance/his blessing and the son left. When the son came back because his decision to leave had been a poor one, the father had compassion for him and ran to meet him, accepting him back into his home.

But don't tell me the father wasn't sad during that time. Don't tell me the father didn't feel incredible loss. Don't tell me the father didn't feel as though he had been a failure. Don't tell me the father didn't lose endless nights of sleep worrying about his son. Don't tell me the father wasn't appalled at how selfish his already-spoiled son was being. Don't tell me the father was not cursing the world that had inticed his son away from him. Don't tell me the father could fully enjoy family get-togethers and celebrations knowing that one of his sons was missing.

I have a vision of all of the family photos I take. I take pictures of everything we do!! If we're baking cookies, I take a picture. If we go to the zoo, I take a picture. If we're having a birthday party, I take a picture. And I take lots and lots and lots of pictures of all four kids together. And Kyndal will be missing from those photos now. While we are doing these things, she'll be missing. A part of me will be missing.

While his child was out living it up, the father was suffering. Don't tell me he wasn't.

But, he let him go. Even though I know it must have killed him!

And, guess what? Things didn't turn out so good for the son. And "when he came to his senses", he went back to the one place where he knew he was loved. His home. With his father. And his father accepted him back with open arms. He ran to greet him.

I'm going to be completely transparent here. In that same situation, could I do the same thing? Or would the sadness and bitterness and anger literally have taken me down? I don't know yet. These are the things of which I am struggling. The father showed the ultimate in forgiveness and mercy. He had the complete forgiveness and mercy from God Himself (because, this is a parable demonstrating the depth of God's love for his children). But, I'm not God. I'm human. I am flawed. I am hurt. If things don't work out for her, will I be able to so lovingly welcome her back in the fold? I pray that I could have the heart to do that.

But right now .. I am in anguish. And right now .. I have to let her go, because leaving is what she has chosen.

** This was actually a post I wrote on December 4, 2009. This is how long this struggle has been going on. Funny, nothing has changed in her, the "world", or me.

Tough Times

Well, the Taulmans are going through some tough Times right now.

Kyndal has moved out. She is moving to Missouri with her dad in two weeks.

It was a long time coming, really, but doesn't make it any easier. It's hard for me because over the past three years she has been fed a bunch of lies by people who don't know anything about me or our family. She has been made promises that I do not believe can be fulfilled. She has gladly walked out the door and left behind her two brothers and sister. She has been manipulated all in the name of spite. I am worried for her.

But there is nothing I can do about any of it. And I don't intend to try.

All I can do now is try my best to maintain a relationship with my daughter as she moves five hours away. It won't be easy and I know that there are hard times ahead, for all of us.

I would appreciate your prayers.

I need to stop writing now so that I do not say some very ugly things that I will (or maybe not, really) regret later. Just suffice it to say, evil is at play here.

Santa, I Want ....

Yesterday the kids and I went to Tulsa to hear the Tulsa Festival Ringers perform a bell concert. They played a free concert of Christmas music that was so pretty. You can read about that by heading over to Journey to Excellence.

After having lunch at Spaghetti Warehouse, we took our annual trip to Bass Pro Shop to see Santa. This year we went during the day, during the week, and we were the only ones there. It was awesome! Eli told Santa he wants a Nintendo 3DS, Mario 3D Land, and a new sled. Brynne gave Santa a letter that told him that she wants a Nintendo 3DS and the game, Kirby Mass Attack.

Then the kids shot guns and raced cars and rode the glass elevator up and down to look at the waterfalls and fish.

These kids have been pretty nice this year, so I suspect they'll be getting all they want.

Do You Need a Good Cry?

Monday evening I spent some time watching Military Homecoming videos. If you can't be moved by the sight of children breaking down at seeing their moms and dads return from overseas, then you just don't have feelings. I was crying so hard that I couldn't even see through my tears to watch the whole video. I had to keep pausing it to wipe my eyes. The ones that REALLY got me were the videos of the dogs reacting to the return of their owners. I guess I hadn't ever really stopped and thought about how hard it must be on a dog to be separated from his or her owner for a long period of time because of the call of the military. Anyway, if you would like to watch some extremely moving videos, click here.

I went ahead and posted the doggy one for you.

Nicole's Daybook

Outside my window... Looks like a pre-snow winter day. There is a chance of flurries today.

I am thinking... about how I could use a good night's sleep! Brynne was up sick all night Saturday night. Sunday night I didn't sleep well with drainage and coughing. And last night I woke up with searing pain in my neck and couldn't hardly move my head. I can feel a spot in my spine that is strained. It must be affecting my neck.

I am thankful ... for the sacrifices that families make with a family member on active duty. Check back tomorrow for some tearjerker video links!

I am wearing... A sherpa-lined, fur-collared hoodie, jeans, and brown Sperry's.

I am planning...  Eli's birthday party that is in two weeks (my last event of 2011!!!).
 

I am creating... Invitations for Eli's party, cake ideas, goodie bag lists, snack food lists.

I am going... to work really diligently all day today so that I can get to relaxing early tonight.

I am reading...  Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe (Dawson's read-a-loud), The Christmas Wedding by James Patterson.

I am hoping... that the flu bug is gone for the season!

From the learning rooms... Brynne continues with Christmas themed studies. Dawson is working on Energy (protons, electrons, ions) and will be spending the rest of this week and next digging deep into Slavery. On Wednesday we are going to Tulsa to attend a bell choir concert with our Co-op. On Friday we will have our regular Co-op classes. When we are home we will be in the books! Eli is studying Christmas around the world at school. Kyndal is trying to recover from a blow in English.

Noticing that ... there is a huuuuuge red cardinal sitting on the wicker stool right outside my back window. I love this time of year when the cardinals are so stark a contrast to the dreary colors of winter.

From the kitchen... This will be a recurring issue that is going to come up that I need to find a way to deal with. I plan meals and grocery shop every two weeks. I typically make well-balanced meals of a wide variety that are good as leftovers, so that Rick can take them to work the next day. When he is on a business trip, I cook a little more toned down (more kid-friendly) because the kids typically are not overly excited about what I am cooking when he is here. (I always make sure there is something in our meal that the kids like, even if they don't like all of the main dish.) But his business trips come up "on short notice" and I've already got my meals planned and ingredients purchased. This week he'll be gone through Thursday night, so what do I fix the kids? Last night we had Meatball Subs (that I had already planned). Tonight we are going to have Calzones, that we didn't get to this past weekend, instead of Baked Salisbury Steak. We'll still do Fend for Yourself on Wednesday night because that actually means Pizza Rolls and the kids always look forward to it. (Man, we are having a pizza theme this week.) And I had Turkey and Noodles scheduled for Thursday night, but I'll want to do something different and save that for Rick, so I think we'll have Breakfast for Dinner. I need to have a few things purchased that the kids love so that when Rick has to travel at the last minute, I'm not fixing a meal that I'm ultimately eating alone or so that I don't feel tempted to serve cereal every night or grab fast food. The good news is that I have two meals all ready to go next week, since we won't be having them this week.

Around the house... our Christmas lights are up and our house looks so pretty! I truly think our house is the prettiest one in our subdivision at Christmas.

One of my favorite things... is my time in the evening after all the kids go to bed.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Nothing today. Tomorrow we are going to the bell choir concert and possibly to see Santa. Nothing on Thursday. Rick will be coming home that evening. We don't have any plans this weekend, which is great with me. I am looking forward to a quiet weekend at home!

From my picture journal.

Me and my good-sport-of-a-husband at our Homeschool Co-op Ugly Christmas Sweater party.

Lots of women Daybook. See what they have to say at The Simple Woman's Daybook.

Weekend Wrap-up ~ The Good, The Bad and the Oh So Ugly!

What a weekend!

If you know me, you know I like them calm. And this one was anything but!

We had a busy day Friday with our Homeschool Co-op's Christmas party for the kids. It was loads of fun with crafts, food, and friends.

Then in the afternoon, Dawson and Brynne were the "Mystery Readers" for Eli's class at school. They tag-teamed an Elephant and Piggie book and it was so sweet. Eli was so excited!

Rick and I then went into town Friday night and did a little shopping. I always enjoy spending this kind of time with Rick. It's just easy and fun.

On Saturday, we had lots of preparations to do for a Christmas party we were hosting that evening. I left the house at 11:30 a.m., thinking I would be gone a couple hours at most, and didn't get home until after 3:00 p.m.! I needed to pick up a few things for the party (should have done that Friday night???), get my nails done, go to the library, drop off recycling. Walmart was a madhouse! The Bedlam game was on that night (OSU/OU), so people were buying up for their parties. And it was pouring! That was fun.

I got home and fixed our food, cleaned up the house as best as possible, and got ready.

Then the fun began!! We hosted an Ugly Christmas Sweater party for our Homeschool Co-op moms and dads. And it was a blast! Not only were the sweaters fun, but the food and fellowship was great! We laughed so hard and just had the best time! It is definitely going to be an annual event. We have the greatest folks in our homeschool community. Loads of fun!

The men (and a couple of the women) watched the Bedlam game and we were happy to hand OU their rear ends. Unfortunately it wasn't enough to boost OSU back into the No. 2 spot to play the championship game against LSU. But, WOW, what a season! (Their only loss was to a non-ranked team, a day after the tragic plane crash that killed their women's basketball coaches.)

This whole weekend I was fighting the cold that Brynne has had for three weeks. So, after we cleaned up from the party, I took a Nyquil and went to bed. I had just drifted off into a nice drug-induced coma when I heard, "Mommy, I think I'm going to throw up!" I jumped up, grabbed Brynne and headed her toward our bathroom. But unfortunately the excorsism occurred all over the carpet in our hall. She proceeded to vomit about every 15-30 minutes until 9:00 a.m. yesterday morning.

Come to find out, about a third of the participants of the kids' Christmas party on Friday had this nasty flu. And it was nasty!!!

I went back to bed yesterday about 11:30 a.m., not feeling so good myself, and slept until about 4:30 p.m. Thankfully daddy was here to help the sick little one. Gradually she moved from ice chips to water to crackers to soup. We sanitized everything, filled the house with a Lysol fog, and got to bed early. And she is back on the mend this morning. Kyndal, on the other hand, now has it. Hopefully it stops there.

Now it's Monday morning. Rick is gone on a business trip. We are back at school. And, we are looking to have a quiet week. (Please?????)

Snowflake Pillows

Remember my post last week about the leaf pillows I made from placemats? Well, I've been at it again. I bought three snowflake placemats from Walmart for $2.98 each. I slit them open, stuffed them with polyfill, hot glued them shut again and voila!  They look great on my couch!